Sunday, July 20, 2014

MyPhd Journey: The first step

Assalammualaikum wbt..

So my leave application system at work talks to me. So does. Pssstt you there, it said, you have 4 days earned leave. Use me woman. And I said, Oh pleaseee, I ain't going no where. I have earned and successfully kept 4 days as opposed to my famous negative leave + unpaid leave days. Ah good times, good times. 

Clearly shows I've yet to take a break in the past 1 month. 'Must you go on a holiday every month?' It's really unheard of someone said... Unheard of? 
Okay to put it gently-my batteries need some serious recharging once every month. I'm motivationally drained (got such a word?) coz I seriously don't get any sitting and staring at my lappy from 9.00 am - 7.00 pm everyday. It's damaging my brain cells or what's left of it. I wake up tired and I go home tired. On some days I have a back ache. On the other days I feel like jumping off from the Penthouse floor, just to see if I secretly have wings that will set off like Dumbo so I can fly off somewhere. Grrr.. I know it nonsense.Just venting.

 Well, anyway, some of you may know or may not know about my recent decision to continue my study. Yes, I finally made up my mind to go for a Doctoral Degree. I've been delaying my decision for almost 4 years! My first attempt of pursuing my doctorate 4 years ago was not successful I can say. But I don't regret it because I was 1 month expecting at that time. I was too sick that I really can't concentrate on my study. I don't even make it to my defend proposal session. So I quit. The only matters to me at that time were focusing on my pregnancy, marriage and career. My career begin to stabilized when I was promoted to a higher level position in my organization in 2012. We recently bought a house and our daughter is now turning three years old. I knew that commitments towards my family which includes my parents have been the influencing factors for me to consider to pursue my advance degree. There are so many things juggles in my brain on the day I submitted my research proposal to the University- how will be my home life, will my leisure time be affected by the financial challenges, time & energy required to focus on my study and the list goes on..

Yes, I have considered everything from A to Z, I've talked to my husband and both of my parents about this matter. Ultimately, deep inside my heart, I knew why did I decided to pursue my study to a higher level when at this age I have almost everything I wanted- family, kid, career, savings, house, etc..

And my answer to this question is simpler than I thought. I wanted to know more, I wanted to figure out things- and for that reason, research is about the best fit possible. I was also curious to explore my own boundaries and abilities and to get off the beaten path and "work my way through the woods".

I know some people may not considered this decision as seriously as mine. But, I'm a married woman, a mother and I have built my own career for the good SIX years. And now I'm changing my normal path by quitting my job, become a full time student and leaving far from my husband & daughter. I've been through this existential crisis myself, time when I question everything and feel lost..and this was the time when my husband told me: You are where you are for a reason! You are given an opportunity. Benefit from it!

So let's be grateful for this, for this life changing opportunity!



Bismillahirrahman nirrahimm..this is my first step of my PhD Journey:
So I'm gonna use my annual leave balance for the registration day and the remaining balance for our Medan holiday in September :) Gonna start my so called 'full time study' pretty soon after the holiday baby!

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