Skip to main content

An ache in my heart

Assalamualaikum wbt..

My subconscious is nuts. For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams several times a week that I'm pregnant. For the record, I'm not (although that would be a good explanation for my recent weight gain!). But maybe subconsciously I want to be huh?

I think I'm just really struggling with my baby growing up. The dreams started when we separate Aulia' from our bed. I was no longer rocking her before bed, like I had done just about every night since she was a baby.

Reality smacked me in the face- I'll almost certainly never have another baby to rock to sleep. To tuck into a crib. To nurse. To diaper (but not sad about this one). There's been an ache in my heart that I now realize has been growing every time Aulia' hit another milestone that further her (and me!) from babyhood.

It's half crazy/ half understandable because I know in my mind that 3 is the right number of our family right now. I'm good with that, even with the fact that my husband is going for an outstation for a year soon! But it's so hard to say goodbye to something that has been such a part of my life for the better part of 3 years, including the time I was pregnant. Yes, I even miss being pregnant.

When Aulia' hit certain milestones, I think it felt different because I knew in my heart it wasn't final-or I didn't want it to be. I don't know yet how to balance my joy that my child is growing up (that's sort of the whole point to this parenting thing-raising a child) with the pain that she's not sweet cuddly baby anymore, wholly dependent on me for everything. Maybe it's selfish that I want her to stay little and stay with me forever. But it's easier to protect her that way.

Maybe the part of the ache is fear of the unknown and moving out of my comfort zone. I was good with baby (ies). But toddler---> tween---> teen? Yikes. I know I'll learn as I go, just as I did with babyhood, but I'm still so nostalgic for that time in my life. The time when I first became who I now realize I was always meant to be. A mom.

I know I'll be a mom forever, but I have to get used to being a mom without a baby. I just got to learn to live with the ache.

Ibu love you with all my heart, Aulia'. You left a foot print in my heart that will never go away, you will always be my baby girl.
1 comment

Popular posts from this blog

DIY Dulang Hantaran Fresh Flowers

Assalamualaikum wbt..

Last week was my BIL E-day. So I was assigned by my MIL to do the 'Dulang Hantaran' and it decorations including all the goodies inside the dulang.. since this is only the engagement event, not so much personal items to be included in the dulang except for the rings.. both for merisik and engagement..
Since last time during my Nikah day, I did the DIY dulang hantaran using the artificial flowers and this time around I was thinking to do it with the fresh flowers. I purposely wanted it that way just because I can save a lot of time (since I am way too busy with my PhD study and I have to travel to and fro KL-JB) and at the same time we can avoid the hustle of keeping the dulang covered with dust in the store room. Lol..talking about experience huh!
And most importantly.. we can save a lot of money.. Lemme show you the trick..

Sending off dulang for fresh flower decorations can cost you up to RM75 to RM150 per tray excluding the items inside the dulang. Mi…

Saving the best for the last-Me!

Assalamualaikum w.b.t..
B's nature of work leaves me with no choice but to be independent. His work schedule knows no weekends and public holiday. But a kaki jalan I am by nature and nurture,what if it's only me and Aulia'? bring it on! Nak keluar jugak! I thought  it was impossible at first but naaa, practice makes perfect, I am so used to it already, you'll be surprised of what I can do with only one hand. Haha The skills develop naturally. From folding stroller and do groceries shopping while pushing the cart and her stroller? I have done all that. But there are time I do need hands from strangers, and kudos to Malaysians, they're helpful. And I think this is the perfect bonding time because Aulia' is with her baby sitter during the weekdays.


So there are times, I'd love to doll up, but now I have a plus one! How? I doll her up as well! luckily she's a daughter, dear God thanks for being so understanding! I am grateful! Tutu you say?! Of course! and…

Aulia' tindik telinga:)

Assalammualaikum wbt..
Anak dara aku dah lama mintak dok nak pakai subang..alahaii..girly stuff gitu. Dia tengok aku pakai makeup dia pun nak makeup. Tengok pakai lipstick dia pun nak jugak. . . Bulan lepas ni dia tengok ada sorang girl dalam lingkungan umur 4-5 tahun kat mall pakai subang..Dia kata cantik..dia pun nak..

Memang selalu dia buat ayat macam tu kalau nak apa-apa..

"Ibu..cantiknye yang kat telinga dia tu ibu..tengok tu..apa tu? Aulia' rasa Aulia' pun nak la jugak"

Haa gitew..

Aku pun cakap..

"Tu subang. Nak pakai subang, kene tindik telinga dulu. Klau nak tindik, kene tembak dulu telinga sampai berdarah baru boleh pakai subang.."

Aku saja bagi cerita horror sikit kat dia so conversation tu boleh stop kat situ..

Dia pun tenung je aku bila aku sebut "berdarah-darah" tu...agaknya tak berani nak continue cerita lagi. Hahaha.Berjaya!


Ternyata aku salah. Anak aku boleh memorize cerita aku sampai la malam masa nak tidur memang kami akan baca…