Sunday, February 23, 2014

An ache in my heart

Assalamualaikum wbt..

My subconscious is nuts. For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams several times a week that I'm pregnant. For the record, I'm not (although that would be a good explanation for my recent weight gain!). But maybe subconsciously I want to be huh?

I think I'm just really struggling with my baby growing up. The dreams started when we separate Aulia' from our bed. I was no longer rocking her before bed, like I had done just about every night since she was a baby.

Reality smacked me in the face- I'll almost certainly never have another baby to rock to sleep. To tuck into a crib. To nurse. To diaper (but not sad about this one). There's been an ache in my heart that I now realize has been growing every time Aulia' hit another milestone that further her (and me!) from babyhood.

It's half crazy/ half understandable because I know in my mind that 3 is the right number of our family right now. I'm good with that, even with the fact that my husband is going for an outstation for a year soon! But it's so hard to say goodbye to something that has been such a part of my life for the better part of 3 years, including the time I was pregnant. Yes, I even miss being pregnant.

When Aulia' hit certain milestones, I think it felt different because I knew in my heart it wasn't final-or I didn't want it to be. I don't know yet how to balance my joy that my child is growing up (that's sort of the whole point to this parenting thing-raising a child) with the pain that she's not sweet cuddly baby anymore, wholly dependent on me for everything. Maybe it's selfish that I want her to stay little and stay with me forever. But it's easier to protect her that way.

Maybe the part of the ache is fear of the unknown and moving out of my comfort zone. I was good with baby (ies). But toddler---> tween---> teen? Yikes. I know I'll learn as I go, just as I did with babyhood, but I'm still so nostalgic for that time in my life. The time when I first became who I now realize I was always meant to be. A mom.

I know I'll be a mom forever, but I have to get used to being a mom without a baby. I just got to learn to live with the ache.

Ibu love you with all my heart, Aulia'. You left a foot print in my heart that will never go away, you will always be my baby girl.

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